Fat Leggings...back in black (for it's slimming optical illussionness...)

So it's been three months or so since the Gods of convenience and boredom forced my hand at weight loss blogging.

And what a three months it's been! All the times. The memories. The tears in the darkness.

But enough of my historical banter.

I'm not sure what has prompted it* but this week I am steeling myself for seven days of hardcore dieting. I laugh in the face of balanced dieting and dietary fibre. It's all soup and Subway this week. Just call me Jarrod and hate my guts until eventually, and not before time, they pull from the advertising campaign. Can you imagine that fat turd dancing on the beach with a Subway in his hand? Brr....

Anyway here's some facts:

I have in the past three months of not dieting lost three kilos. I put this down exclusively to poverty and laziness. 'I'll just butter this toast. Wait that's not toast. That's stiff bread. And i have no butter.'

At the rate of three kilos a month by the age of 55 i will weigh 4 kilos.

Australia is the largest island in the world.

Ok so i guess i should weigh in now but i have no scales. But i'll do it tomorrow at my mummies, and then once the week is up we will see if soup and subway has aided my weightloss. I will also be posting pictures of my malnourished, yellow-tinged face so you can help me diagnose which nutrients and vitamins i need to quickly consume to avoid possible kidney failure and death.

Maybe i'll cook some vegetable stir-fry too. I'm a little worried. my life expectancy can't be more than 40 or so years as it is...

*(recent facebook photos where i still look like a fatty boombah)

The blog that would have been funnier if I hadn't have lost the whole thing once and had to write it all over again.

Holla amigos,

i know it's been a long time since I rapped at you but my casual student life has been transformed into shitstorm of responsibilies the last two weeks.

I'm on school prac, teaching Year 7's, and well I've just had more to consider than which cottage cheese has less saturated fat and whether or not the sugar in coke is actually hugely less harmful than the chemical coacktail that is coke zero.

Also the diet has become such a drag. Hard work does this. Hard demands hard meals. Hard work demands food reward. Hard work demands huge gobfulls of gravy smeared steak washed down with the oil of crisp fries.


Yeh I'm sorry, but when i've been working my ass to the bone I can find no solace in a bowl of blanched vegetables or a thimble of tofu. Especially when that work is being done for gratis. Life is just a bitch. I mean i don't want to rag on it too much (I realise some of you work like all day all year unlike me who works in a four week burst then takes the other 48 weeks to recuperate) but shit if working for free just isn't the harshest beats. And so i need some joy in life, none of which is coming from my heaterless house and 1980s tv complete with missing remote control.

So I turn to food.

Which is a problem because once upon time, when men were men and men dug holes and put bricks in huge piles and called them pyramids, you would work hard all day, then fill yourself up withdelicious meats, breads and harden fats (dripping for those that don't know). It was a good life. Nay, a great life.

But now life stinks. You work like a dog. But not a dog rounding up sheep and chasing cars, a dog sitting in his kennel with his computer, playing minesweeper and checking facebook. And so you eat an apple for lunch and then gain weight. It's bullshit.


So who do I blame? Society? Bill Gates? You? No. I blame science.


Science has made me fat. If it wasn't for science I'd be asleep by now. Because it would be 9pm and the last candle would have burnt out and the house would have been dark. I would have made swift, unpassionate love to my wife, and most likely concieved a child because of the complete lack of condoms and pills. But before all that I would have been working in the field, shearing goats and milking llamas, burning 3000 calories by lunch alone. But instead, I'm writing a whiny blog about weight loss! What is that science? Is that what you call progess!?


WELL I POO POO YOUR PROGRESS!!


Science is a dud.


Which leads me to the great pleasure of announcing that despite the best efforts of science, I have actually last weight this past fortnight!

Previous weight: 114kg.

New weight: 111.6kg.

And earlier this year i topped in at 117!

SHOVE THAT UP YOUR APPLE SCIENCE! WOOOOOOOOO!

The end of the weakend (plus first weigh in results)

Oh ho ho ho - tell me you don't just come here for the witty blog headlines! WEAK-end?!? Ho ho ho ho! What a laff!

But seriously - I can only report weekend triumph. Which is no doubt ho-hum and disappointing for all you baying for the blood of my failure. But, alas, I can walk away from this weekend with my held held aloft. I knocked back toobs, chicken and chips, endless glasses of cordial (yes, I have been hanging out with my five-year-old friends a lot...) and the worst of my excesses was a solitary cookie from subway (come on you bastards - it was free!!!).

Ok but here's the thing i should have put first and have just hastily tacked onto my heading - I finally got around to weighing myself.

I had to sneak home to do it, under false pretences, because i can't really tell me mum about my weight loss blog and ambitions, because well... mum won't believe it. Not the blog or the ambitions, but the fact i'm fat in the first place. She could easily have been one of those mums of serial killers that just holds up photos of her mass-murdering baby to the press and says what a lovely young fellow he is.

"He's not a serial killer. He just left some people in some barrels for a little while".

So I had to sneak into the bathroom, quietly disrobed (that's get nude for all those of you trying to avoid the mental image of my naked self standing on scales), and then quickly get out - without forgetting to flush the toilet I didn't use and to wash the hands that didn't touch my stinky bits.


And so... without further blahblahblah... I weigh...

114 kilos.

That's big. But been about my base weight for 5 years. I honestly can't remember when i was under the hunj. Actually I weighed 85kgs in year 7 I remember that. Which is huge for a 12 year old kid.

So that's it - stay with me as i try to crack the ton. And if you are out with me don't buy me beers or encourage me to eat junk food. Cos i'm weak like a poodle.

Day One Retrospective

First day done. Spent most of the day feeling hungry. All of the day. Every single second. I tried drinking huge steins of diet cordial to sate the hunger, but just ended up the day feeling sick in the gut from the chemical influx.

Here's what I ate:

Breakfast: Apple, glass of water

Lunch: Egg and bacon sandwich. Ok, probably not the best option but hell, i was so hungry after that solitary apple I just couldn't contain myself. Oh and a glass of Coke Zero. Mmmmm... tastes like nothing.

Dinner: Minestrone soup from the tub. 167cals. That's nothing. So I had two pieces of 7 grains organic I got from the central market. I don't know how calorific that bread is but it's organic, it's from the market and it has a shitload of grains in it, so I'm saying it's healthy. Plus it comes in a brown paper bag. things in brown paper bags are always healthy. Like pies and sausage rolls.

oh and i also played tennis. so good one me.

If you plan to fail you fail to plan to fail to plan

Day One - Tues April 14

Here's my action plan.

No action.

I'm not into exercising yet. At all. Walking is a maybe. I walked 15mins to the internet instead of driving. What a champion.

The adult man can consume about 2000 calories a day. That's 10 cans of coke or like a McD's meal with small change.

But apparently I can consume - thanks to my hungry hungry fat layers - more like 3000. Well that's what http://www.health-and-fitness-coach.com/ says anyway.

This website reckons the same - http://walking.about.com/cs/calories/l/blcalcalc.htm - that I need to consume 2850cals a day to maintain my weight.

How can I not be losing weight already! That's so many!

So here's my plan - completely unfounded and unresearched - I will attempt to limit my calories to 1400 a day. That's half what I need to stay a fatty.

So far today (11:30AM) I've had an apple and a glass of water. Which is a bad idea goes i feel weak as a baby. My face is hovering 5cm from the keyboard, I'm about to pass out. So i think I'll rethink the breakfast plan. Maybe some weetbix or something.

Anyway that's the plan, I'm too weak from the apple to write more. But stay tuned - I'll be posting my first weigh in tomorrow! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT YEH!

The Fats of Life

How many times have I attempted to lose weight? Well... if you include all those times where i choose the cheeseburger over the quarter pounder then plenty.

I went to the gym a lot earlier this year too. But now I've moved to the otherside of town that one hour drive just bums me out. Which sucks because I was actually getting my fitness up to a decent standard, but now that I've stopped I get exhausted doing things like putting my socks on and avoiding puddles.

But I'm serious again about losing weight. It all begun when I started caring for a six-year-old boy on Sunday nights. This kid just loves The Biggest Loser. I try and make him watch other shows but he chucks mean, violent tantrums.

Anyway, at first the show makes you feel good about yourself - because everyone is ridiculously fat and humourously incapable of things like walking and not eating. But now those same 'two whoppers away from needing sponge baths' fatties are, like, thinner than me and shit.

It's depressing when a six-year-old boy tells you you should go on biggest loser.

Which brings me here - a public forum that will hopefully be motiviation for myself to stick to the task and avoid the embarrassment of having to blog all my failures here in the public domain.

So here goes it - lose weight time. I'll be updating the blog once a week with weight loss/gain announcements, plus probably during the week as I moan either about how depressing vegetables are or falling off the wagon is.

Wish me luck bitches!