Rules, bloody rules

I'm not sure what I currently weigh. I barely check these days, mostly because of the stringent conditions I now require myself to meet before I step on the scales. All of which have been careful designed to produce the most generous possible weigh-ins.


1) Can't have eaten more than one meal that day

2) Can't have eaten in the last three hours

3) Can't have recently had a large drink

4) Can't be wearing any clothes

5) Can't have a large deposit of non-excreted food in my bowels


Rule number 5 is now the most keenly observed after I conducted a little "before and after" weight loss experiment. To discover that I was almost 800g lighter after this particular sit (as my father does say) immediately opened wide the door to positive weight loss weigh-ins. There are steaks less than half that size considered hefty, so to drop that sort of weight, in minutes, immediately before a weigh-in is revelatory. If I was a Biggest Loser trainer, this would be the advice that I would earnestly yell at my charges while questioning how much they want this. "HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT THIS? NOW SQUUUEEZZZEEE!!!".

Rule number 4 is fairly restrictive due to my laziness and unwillingness to spend precious moments unbuckling, then rebuckling my belt. Sometimes if I am wearing trackpants and ugg boots I might have a quick weigh because these items require little effort to remove. But most times if I am wearing trackpants and ugg boots I have just eaten KFC and so would be contravening rule 1 (yes thankfully I have never stooped to eating KFC for breakfast. Except once when I was little kid on the Creation Bus with my parents. It was my birthday and by unfortunate coincidence the anniversary of my birth co-ordinated with an extremely ill-fated attempt by Colonel Sanders to introduce breakfast to his repertoire. I remember little of the breakfast except that my father made continuos jokes about the food and I left the restaurant almost in tears because why couldn't he just let me enjoy my rubbery scrambled eggs and miniature chicken sausage.)

So mostly I have to weigh myself before I shower, so that my stripping off can kill two birds with one stone (or about 14 stone if you are on a pre-metric scale). But since I generally deem eating more important than hygiene - and so if pushed for time in the morning would rather be nourished than washed - I roughly always eat breakfast first. This preference, of course, causes violation of rule 2, and so you see why it is very rare that I weigh myself these days.

In fact, here are the conditions of which I can actually weigh myself.

1) Nude

2) Recently toileted

3) Unfed

4) Thirsty

And so I duly apologise to you all for not providing a precise weight loss update, but as you can see, it's an exacting criteria to meet.

Weight Loss Looks Like Husky Vomit

Hello my weight-loving people, I know it's been almost 12 months since I laid some sage advice on you, but shit, what with all the weight loss I've been smashing, I've barely had time to unwrap a McDonald's Seared Chicken Snack Wrap for dinner.

Ok so first let's get some facts up ya, because I know that makes you excited.

Starting weight: 117kg

Current weight: 95kg

Which means I no longer have to buy pants with elastic waists and rope cords, although sometimes as I transfer my only belt from pants to other pants, I curse the newfound inconvience of inflexible waistlines.

Another unfortunate by-product of weight-loss is being quizzed by people about how you did it. Which probably would seem obvious, but the people that know me know that the regular responses - frequent exercise, a personal trainer, a diet high in fibre and vegetables, etc - don't fit into my personal schema of slothfulness and fast food.

"So how did you do it?" they ask. "Write a book!" they exclaim. But they have no idea how a crummy a book that would be. Because there's no magic secret to explain and no 7-step guide to controlling your gorging reflexes - there's just this:



Coles. Microwaveable. Light Beef Lasagna.

Yeah, I'm not shitting you. That's the cover to my weightloss book right there. But hey, it's not so bad right, it must have been super fun eating lasagna all the time right? Yeah. Right.

The only thing I like about this meal is that they spell "light" correctly. The idiots at coles that put people on boxes with ridiculously fake quotes (you know the ones - 'It's like swimming in a sea of clouds' Clarence, likes wiping his ass) must have been champing at the bit to call it Lite Beef Lasagna. But thankfully for fans of spelling somehow they reigned their stupidity in.

Anyway these meals are ridiculously low in calories - the lasagna is like 300cals. That's amazing, like you could eat 7 of these a day and not gain weight. And thanks to it's thick, thick layers of undercooked pasta, they're real filling too.

Ok so let me run you through what it is to prepare and eat one of these suckers so that you understand my world.

First... wait. Is that sprig of green leafy shit (you couldn't lower yourself to this style of dieting if you were the kind of person who could recognise a herb) photoshopped onto the lasagna?



Yeah I don't know, that does look like shadow under the left leaf, so maybe not. Still it's bloody ridiculous.

Ok, so first you take the lasagna out of the box, which seems self explanatory, but as they actually do write that step on the instructions I'm going to assume that the stupid fat people buying this food have a very low degree of food prep knowledge.

You end up with something like this in your hand:



Look at those inviting colours.

I'm sure they make it look so disgustingly white and orange to put you off eating and so to aid your weightloss.

But if you can look at that rectangle and not then throw it in the bin and ring for a pizza, you are doing well. And check those water droplet things. Man. You'll be tempted to rip that plastic off and hope it looks better underneath. But don't. The instructions say not to, Stupid Fat Man, and besides when you do this is what confronts you:




It's like one of those sled dogs did a small vomit on the artic tundra and they carved out a 10cmx15cm rectangle of the surrounding area and put it in a box called "Light Beef Lasagna". Yeah april fool mothertrucker!

Ok so once you've learned not look at the food - God the urge to put quotation marks around that is so strong - you're ready to heat that bitch up.

Here's what you won't need:



Nobody wants to wait 45 mins for a frozen Coles meal.

All you need is one of these:



Oh yeah - feel the power of the ultra excited particles. This will only take you 6minutes in a decent microwave, which is good because to be forced to eat one of these you will need to be bloody starving, and if it took any longer then the chance of you gorging your hungry ass on biscuits or chips or some such disaster while you wait would be very, very high.

So you wait keenly to hear the ding of the microwave, hoping that the magic of heat will have rejuventated your tundra vomit.



Nope.

I like to transfer my lasagna to plate or bowl so as to pretend I'm eating something homemade:



Oh yeah, just slide that sucker on out. Now you're losing weight! Plus that way you'll have it looking nice and pretty, just like on the box:




No wait



Oh yeah. Picture bloody perfect. Like one of these Spot the Difference from the newspaper.

So that's how you do it folks, that's 22kgs of weightloss the Dan Hamilton way.

Oh except one last thing - those suckers may not be as filling as I promised early, especially if you're starting your weight loss journey with your enormously stretched stomach - so make sure you get the plastic lid and and the box and give them a good licking out - you don't waste a drop of that weight loss miracle food:



Peace, and good luck to you all! May your microwave stay true and your pants lose flexibility.

Fat Leggings...back in black (for it's slimming optical illussionness...)

So it's been three months or so since the Gods of convenience and boredom forced my hand at weight loss blogging.

And what a three months it's been! All the times. The memories. The tears in the darkness.

But enough of my historical banter.

I'm not sure what has prompted it* but this week I am steeling myself for seven days of hardcore dieting. I laugh in the face of balanced dieting and dietary fibre. It's all soup and Subway this week. Just call me Jarrod and hate my guts until eventually, and not before time, they pull from the advertising campaign. Can you imagine that fat turd dancing on the beach with a Subway in his hand? Brr....

Anyway here's some facts:

I have in the past three months of not dieting lost three kilos. I put this down exclusively to poverty and laziness. 'I'll just butter this toast. Wait that's not toast. That's stiff bread. And i have no butter.'

At the rate of three kilos a month by the age of 55 i will weigh 4 kilos.

Australia is the largest island in the world.

Ok so i guess i should weigh in now but i have no scales. But i'll do it tomorrow at my mummies, and then once the week is up we will see if soup and subway has aided my weightloss. I will also be posting pictures of my malnourished, yellow-tinged face so you can help me diagnose which nutrients and vitamins i need to quickly consume to avoid possible kidney failure and death.

Maybe i'll cook some vegetable stir-fry too. I'm a little worried. my life expectancy can't be more than 40 or so years as it is...

*(recent facebook photos where i still look like a fatty boombah)

The blog that would have been funnier if I hadn't have lost the whole thing once and had to write it all over again.

Holla amigos,

i know it's been a long time since I rapped at you but my casual student life has been transformed into shitstorm of responsibilies the last two weeks.

I'm on school prac, teaching Year 7's, and well I've just had more to consider than which cottage cheese has less saturated fat and whether or not the sugar in coke is actually hugely less harmful than the chemical coacktail that is coke zero.

Also the diet has become such a drag. Hard work does this. Hard demands hard meals. Hard work demands food reward. Hard work demands huge gobfulls of gravy smeared steak washed down with the oil of crisp fries.


Yeh I'm sorry, but when i've been working my ass to the bone I can find no solace in a bowl of blanched vegetables or a thimble of tofu. Especially when that work is being done for gratis. Life is just a bitch. I mean i don't want to rag on it too much (I realise some of you work like all day all year unlike me who works in a four week burst then takes the other 48 weeks to recuperate) but shit if working for free just isn't the harshest beats. And so i need some joy in life, none of which is coming from my heaterless house and 1980s tv complete with missing remote control.

So I turn to food.

Which is a problem because once upon time, when men were men and men dug holes and put bricks in huge piles and called them pyramids, you would work hard all day, then fill yourself up withdelicious meats, breads and harden fats (dripping for those that don't know). It was a good life. Nay, a great life.

But now life stinks. You work like a dog. But not a dog rounding up sheep and chasing cars, a dog sitting in his kennel with his computer, playing minesweeper and checking facebook. And so you eat an apple for lunch and then gain weight. It's bullshit.


So who do I blame? Society? Bill Gates? You? No. I blame science.


Science has made me fat. If it wasn't for science I'd be asleep by now. Because it would be 9pm and the last candle would have burnt out and the house would have been dark. I would have made swift, unpassionate love to my wife, and most likely concieved a child because of the complete lack of condoms and pills. But before all that I would have been working in the field, shearing goats and milking llamas, burning 3000 calories by lunch alone. But instead, I'm writing a whiny blog about weight loss! What is that science? Is that what you call progess!?


WELL I POO POO YOUR PROGRESS!!


Science is a dud.


Which leads me to the great pleasure of announcing that despite the best efforts of science, I have actually last weight this past fortnight!

Previous weight: 114kg.

New weight: 111.6kg.

And earlier this year i topped in at 117!

SHOVE THAT UP YOUR APPLE SCIENCE! WOOOOOOOOO!

The end of the weakend (plus first weigh in results)

Oh ho ho ho - tell me you don't just come here for the witty blog headlines! WEAK-end?!? Ho ho ho ho! What a laff!

But seriously - I can only report weekend triumph. Which is no doubt ho-hum and disappointing for all you baying for the blood of my failure. But, alas, I can walk away from this weekend with my held held aloft. I knocked back toobs, chicken and chips, endless glasses of cordial (yes, I have been hanging out with my five-year-old friends a lot...) and the worst of my excesses was a solitary cookie from subway (come on you bastards - it was free!!!).

Ok but here's the thing i should have put first and have just hastily tacked onto my heading - I finally got around to weighing myself.

I had to sneak home to do it, under false pretences, because i can't really tell me mum about my weight loss blog and ambitions, because well... mum won't believe it. Not the blog or the ambitions, but the fact i'm fat in the first place. She could easily have been one of those mums of serial killers that just holds up photos of her mass-murdering baby to the press and says what a lovely young fellow he is.

"He's not a serial killer. He just left some people in some barrels for a little while".

So I had to sneak into the bathroom, quietly disrobed (that's get nude for all those of you trying to avoid the mental image of my naked self standing on scales), and then quickly get out - without forgetting to flush the toilet I didn't use and to wash the hands that didn't touch my stinky bits.


And so... without further blahblahblah... I weigh...

114 kilos.

That's big. But been about my base weight for 5 years. I honestly can't remember when i was under the hunj. Actually I weighed 85kgs in year 7 I remember that. Which is huge for a 12 year old kid.

So that's it - stay with me as i try to crack the ton. And if you are out with me don't buy me beers or encourage me to eat junk food. Cos i'm weak like a poodle.

Day One Retrospective

First day done. Spent most of the day feeling hungry. All of the day. Every single second. I tried drinking huge steins of diet cordial to sate the hunger, but just ended up the day feeling sick in the gut from the chemical influx.

Here's what I ate:

Breakfast: Apple, glass of water

Lunch: Egg and bacon sandwich. Ok, probably not the best option but hell, i was so hungry after that solitary apple I just couldn't contain myself. Oh and a glass of Coke Zero. Mmmmm... tastes like nothing.

Dinner: Minestrone soup from the tub. 167cals. That's nothing. So I had two pieces of 7 grains organic I got from the central market. I don't know how calorific that bread is but it's organic, it's from the market and it has a shitload of grains in it, so I'm saying it's healthy. Plus it comes in a brown paper bag. things in brown paper bags are always healthy. Like pies and sausage rolls.

oh and i also played tennis. so good one me.

If you plan to fail you fail to plan to fail to plan

Day One - Tues April 14

Here's my action plan.

No action.

I'm not into exercising yet. At all. Walking is a maybe. I walked 15mins to the internet instead of driving. What a champion.

The adult man can consume about 2000 calories a day. That's 10 cans of coke or like a McD's meal with small change.

But apparently I can consume - thanks to my hungry hungry fat layers - more like 3000. Well that's what http://www.health-and-fitness-coach.com/ says anyway.

This website reckons the same - http://walking.about.com/cs/calories/l/blcalcalc.htm - that I need to consume 2850cals a day to maintain my weight.

How can I not be losing weight already! That's so many!

So here's my plan - completely unfounded and unresearched - I will attempt to limit my calories to 1400 a day. That's half what I need to stay a fatty.

So far today (11:30AM) I've had an apple and a glass of water. Which is a bad idea goes i feel weak as a baby. My face is hovering 5cm from the keyboard, I'm about to pass out. So i think I'll rethink the breakfast plan. Maybe some weetbix or something.

Anyway that's the plan, I'm too weak from the apple to write more. But stay tuned - I'll be posting my first weigh in tomorrow! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT YEH!