Rules, bloody rules

I'm not sure what I currently weigh. I barely check these days, mostly because of the stringent conditions I now require myself to meet before I step on the scales. All of which have been careful designed to produce the most generous possible weigh-ins.


1) Can't have eaten more than one meal that day

2) Can't have eaten in the last three hours

3) Can't have recently had a large drink

4) Can't be wearing any clothes

5) Can't have a large deposit of non-excreted food in my bowels


Rule number 5 is now the most keenly observed after I conducted a little "before and after" weight loss experiment. To discover that I was almost 800g lighter after this particular sit (as my father does say) immediately opened wide the door to positive weight loss weigh-ins. There are steaks less than half that size considered hefty, so to drop that sort of weight, in minutes, immediately before a weigh-in is revelatory. If I was a Biggest Loser trainer, this would be the advice that I would earnestly yell at my charges while questioning how much they want this. "HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT THIS? NOW SQUUUEEZZZEEE!!!".

Rule number 4 is fairly restrictive due to my laziness and unwillingness to spend precious moments unbuckling, then rebuckling my belt. Sometimes if I am wearing trackpants and ugg boots I might have a quick weigh because these items require little effort to remove. But most times if I am wearing trackpants and ugg boots I have just eaten KFC and so would be contravening rule 1 (yes thankfully I have never stooped to eating KFC for breakfast. Except once when I was little kid on the Creation Bus with my parents. It was my birthday and by unfortunate coincidence the anniversary of my birth co-ordinated with an extremely ill-fated attempt by Colonel Sanders to introduce breakfast to his repertoire. I remember little of the breakfast except that my father made continuos jokes about the food and I left the restaurant almost in tears because why couldn't he just let me enjoy my rubbery scrambled eggs and miniature chicken sausage.)

So mostly I have to weigh myself before I shower, so that my stripping off can kill two birds with one stone (or about 14 stone if you are on a pre-metric scale). But since I generally deem eating more important than hygiene - and so if pushed for time in the morning would rather be nourished than washed - I roughly always eat breakfast first. This preference, of course, causes violation of rule 2, and so you see why it is very rare that I weigh myself these days.

In fact, here are the conditions of which I can actually weigh myself.

1) Nude

2) Recently toileted

3) Unfed

4) Thirsty

And so I duly apologise to you all for not providing a precise weight loss update, but as you can see, it's an exacting criteria to meet.