Ok so first let's get some facts up ya, because I know that makes you excited.
Starting weight: 117kg
Current weight: 95kg
Which means I no longer have to buy pants with elastic waists and rope cords, although sometimes as I transfer my only belt from pants to other pants, I curse the newfound inconvience of inflexible waistlines.
Another unfortunate by-product of weight-loss is being quizzed by people about how you did it. Which probably would seem obvious, but the people that know me know that the regular responses - frequent exercise, a personal trainer, a diet high in fibre and vegetables, etc - don't fit into my personal schema of slothfulness and fast food.
"So how did you do it?" they ask. "Write a book!" they exclaim. But they have no idea how a crummy a book that would be. Because there's no magic secret to explain and no 7-step guide to controlling your gorging reflexes - there's just this:
Coles. Microwaveable. Light Beef Lasagna.
Yeah, I'm not shitting you. That's the cover to my weightloss book right there. But hey, it's not so bad right, it must have been super fun eating lasagna all the time right? Yeah. Right.
The only thing I like about this meal is that they spell "light" correctly. The idiots at coles that put people on boxes with ridiculously fake quotes (you know the ones - 'It's like swimming in a sea of clouds' Clarence, likes wiping his ass) must have been champing at the bit to call it Lite Beef Lasagna. But thankfully for fans of spelling somehow they reigned their stupidity in.
Anyway these meals are ridiculously low in calories - the lasagna is like 300cals. That's amazing, like you could eat 7 of these a day and not gain weight. And thanks to it's thick, thick layers of undercooked pasta, they're real filling too.
Ok so let me run you through what it is to prepare and eat one of these suckers so that you understand my world.
First... wait. Is that sprig of green leafy shit (you couldn't lower yourself to this style of dieting if you were the kind of person who could recognise a herb) photoshopped onto the lasagna?
Yeah I don't know, that does look like shadow under the left leaf, so maybe not. Still it's bloody ridiculous.
Ok, so first you take the lasagna out of the box, which seems self explanatory, but as they actually do write that step on the instructions I'm going to assume that the stupid fat people buying this food have a very low degree of food prep knowledge.
You end up with something like this in your hand:
Look at those inviting colours.
I'm sure they make it look so disgustingly white and orange to put you off eating and so to aid your weightloss.
But if you can look at that rectangle and not then throw it in the bin and ring for a pizza, you are doing well. And check those water droplet things. Man. You'll be tempted to rip that plastic off and hope it looks better underneath. But don't. The instructions say not to, Stupid Fat Man, and besides when you do this is what confronts you:
It's like one of those sled dogs did a small vomit on the artic tundra and they carved out a 10cmx15cm rectangle of the surrounding area and put it in a box called "Light Beef Lasagna". Yeah april fool mothertrucker!
Ok so once you've learned not look at the food - God the urge to put quotation marks around that is so strong - you're ready to heat that bitch up.
Here's what you won't need:
Nobody wants to wait 45 mins for a frozen Coles meal.
All you need is one of these:
Oh yeah - feel the power of the ultra excited particles. This will only take you 6minutes in a decent microwave, which is good because to be forced to eat one of these you will need to be bloody starving, and if it took any longer then the chance of you gorging your hungry ass on biscuits or chips or some such disaster while you wait would be very, very high.
So you wait keenly to hear the ding of the microwave, hoping that the magic of heat will have rejuventated your tundra vomit.
Nope.
I like to transfer my lasagna to plate or bowl so as to pretend I'm eating something homemade:
Oh yeah, just slide that sucker on out. Now you're losing weight! Plus that way you'll have it looking nice and pretty, just like on the box:
No wait
Oh yeah. Picture bloody perfect. Like one of these Spot the Difference from the newspaper.
So that's how you do it folks, that's 22kgs of weightloss the Dan Hamilton way.
Oh except one last thing - those suckers may not be as filling as I promised early, especially if you're starting your weight loss journey with your enormously stretched stomach - so make sure you get the plastic lid and and the box and give them a good licking out - you don't waste a drop of that weight loss miracle food:
Peace, and good luck to you all! May your microwave stay true and your pants lose flexibility.
